II
mutual
hollywood’s reverie
Text by Sebastian Duto
Image courtesy of Canal+
Dreams unlock the door to every fantasy we desire. Diane Selwyn in Mulholland Drive (2001) is an aspiring actor in hopes of being a movie star after moving to Holywood. The film juxtaposes between the fantasy of Diane and only reveals the reality of her crumbling life in the last quarter of the film. The viewer’s expectation is deceived that the woman she loves reciprocated the feeling she had, that she lives in her aunt’s beautiful apartment, and that she got a part of the movie she is auditioning right away in the first audition.
The dual nature of the films between reality and Diane’s fantasy sparks a contrast. Every part of her dream is influenced by her reality, twisting into only what she wanted to be true, fulfilling her fantasy. The woman she is in love with, Camille, in reality is in love with a movie director. In the dream, Diane made him to be a miserable director without control over the movie he is willing to make, bound by the mafia.
David Lynch’s vision of envy, expectation, fantasy, and reality is shrouded with his signature mystery and enigma that does not need to be understood, but only to be felt. The phantasmic nature of the first half then decayed into what is a nightmarish puzzle. Lynch offers an understanding about reality in The Club Silencio scene, that nothing is real, not even reality, and not even fantasy. That we give meaning to life only in our minds, not in the reality itself. Thus, in the last scene, haunting, jarring most nightmarish cinematic experience that ends the story of Diane and her fantasy.
bond that remains
Text and Photo by Isyanti Rahamaya
Behind her glaring smile, she got stories you’d not expect. She would be there in the morning and afternoon, sitting patiently and serving her brew of Indonesian traditional medication drink, Jamu. Bude, as they call her.
1975, the year that brought her to the city we love, Bandung. Coming to a strange land with such a different culture of her origin in Wonogiri, Central Java. She set sail on an embarking journey with her husband. Finding Ciumbuleuit as her next home, and as a place, she’s proud to call it her workplace, where she weaves strands of the social fabric into her regular customers.
She had a stable life with her husband in Ciumbuleuit. Being a young woman selling Jamu around the neighborhood, she got a chance to know a lot of people around Ciumbuleuit and Hegarmanah. Even after several conversations I had with her, it turns out that she used to go to my house in Hegarmanah before I was even born! And sell Jamu to my aunt. It was a comfortably nifty routine she established.
Until 1990 came, the year that almost became a turning point in her life, the passing of her husband, the father of two beautiful girls they have. The situation forced her to go back to Wonogiri and leave Ciumbuleuit and the life they had built behind. But it was faith. She is destined to go back to Wonogiri and take a rest.
Four years passed by, 1994 she remarried to her neighbor, and they went back to Bandung where she gave birth to two boys. They lived together for a while before her husband moved to Jakarta to find a job, while she stayed in Ciumbuleuit. She got four kids, two women and two men. They are all grown up now and have their own life and family to take care.
Even during this pandemic, after five months being back at Wonogiri, she chooses to go back to Ciumbuleuit. Despite the desolated campus, she’s fighting her way to keep her business going. Above all places she could go, she had chosen Ciumbuleuit, where she started her everyday routine selling Jamu. The land she treads is one with her. The love for the place won’t fade even with the greatest of hardships.
things we took
for granted
Text by Nathania Aviandra
Photo by Farhan Rasyidi
In this state of isolation for months, as we all hope this will end as soon as possible, we tried to get the best out of our time in a locked environment. Well, for me it’s not all bad though, now I had a chance to reconnect with my family for instance, we get to spend a lot of time together, eating together at the table is a rare occasion, but now it is a habit to eat together at the table since all of us cannot go anywhere, and it feels great. Stories are shared and connections grew stronger between all of us. Moreover, there are also things I took for granted, maybe going out with friends and hugging them are things I miss the most. I tend to reflect not on how to survive as individuals, but on how to do so as a collective.
It is difficult to maintain the sparks even with the closest ones, especially when there is not much to discuss, but I have discovered that it is important to put more effort and rely on our side of creativity to keep them feel as close as possible. It has been meaningful to see friends’ faces during this time, those are little things I took for granted before this pandemic happens, now we are on hold, I simply talk to them through zoom calls, be there for them, because this pandemic makes me to also adapt to how we support each other. Never take things for granted, it is not about how much you get, but how much you give.
0,000
Michelle Kelsea
it’s a journey of rediscovering myself through quarantine. though it seems like a preposterous notion, i know a part of me that i haven’t touched in a long time started to grow..
online
warmth
Text By Raissa Cristabel
Photo By Sebastian Duto
“Stay connected”, “Reach out”, “Say hello to that acquaintance you barely talk to anymore”. Those sentences may sound familiar if you have read some of the countless infographics and self-help articles about coping with quarantine loneliness. While they may help to some extent – especially during the first few weeks of the pandemic – at this point, it is completely understandable to find yourself rolling your eyes at them. Though we miss our friends and family, at times we may find being connected all the time exhausting.
These days, we’re on video calls more than ever before – and many are finding it draining, some are even calling it “zoom fatigue”. Video calls create dissonance in individuals. Though our minds are together, our bodies feel we’re not and that is why sometimes it feels difficult to relax into the conversation naturally. Also, being used to using these tools for work makes a casual video call feel like a meeting. A video call is a reminder of how this pandemic is upsetting our normal social rhythms.
Eventually, this isolation may lead to us feeling less connection in our relationships. Ironically, the few tools that can help keep the bond intact often leave us exhausted. Moreover, the fear of forgetting and being forgotten may arise from the uncertainty of what is ahead. Making plans with friends for the future and saying “once this is all over” seem like wishful thinking, similar to a soldier sending letters to his family about seeing them soon, deep down knowing the war is far from being over. Everyone is exhausted from the disruption of the familiar, and we can agree that the so-called “online warmth” will never feel warm enough to replace the comforting presence of a good company.
camp: a mixtape
If We Make it Through December – Phoebe Bridgers
Dawn Chrous – Thom Yorke
We Three (My Echo, Shadow, and Me) – The Ink Spots
Weird People – Bin Idris
I’ll Be Your Mirror – The Velvet Underground
Sense – King Gizzard and The Lizard Wizard
Alone, Omen 3 – King Krule
I Won’t Share You – The Smiths
Both Sides Now – Joni Mitchell
Phoebe Bridgers’ melancholy release of the longing for summer and her hatred for shivering under “the coldest time of winter”, which comes off only relevant to the long “winter” we have been living for quite a while.
Thom Yorke’s
“If you could do it all again
Yeah, without a second thought”
Sounding the repeated mistakes and past loss, lamenting death of hope.
Bin Idris’ haunting keys and superimposed vocals that says
“No need to hide your feelings ‘cause it’s alright now
All the rivers are drying out”
The Ink Spots made a ballad anthem for lonesomes.
Nico wanted to be the reflection of the beauty that you are, to see yourself truly, as you are “blind” to your own charm.
King Gizzard calls out senseless tradition and long-standing established methods, of the conventionals of modern life.
King Krule’s more optimistic song of his discography repeats the line
“Don’t forget you’re not alone”
Serves as a reminder that in times of depression, time will heal the wound.
The Smith’s last song of their career is a breakup song.
Joni Mitchell’s sorrow in trying to figure out life’s enigma, with the metaphor of seeing clouds, love, and concluding the last verse with life itself, but not understanding them.
in limbo
but you left me in despair.
Uncertainty haunts me with the most graceful way;
that deprived pleasure of a man.
One night, Nietzsche came into my dream and whispered:
“amor fati,” he said,
and I put myself to my golden slumbers;
of reality and everything in between.
desolated spots
Photo by Gracia Muljono
a familiar ritual,
transformed
Text by Raissa Cristabel
Photo by Isyanti Rahamaya
In a year where the days feel almost identical to one another, a quarantine birthday is one of the rare ones that bring a tad of variation to it. Packages left on doorsteps waiting to get wiped down, birthday wishes followed with plans to make up for a not-so-festive birthday, a virtual celebration with families and friends contained in a grid (which most of the time can be painfully awkward). Going through nearly a full year of a pandemic, you’ve possibly experienced or at least witnessed this altered ritual.
Today, the essence of birthday celebrations turns to be more poignant, and the more effort they take and more witnesses they have, the greater the sense of importance. There is loss of human connection when you can’t have the celebration that you usually have. People are getting creative in looking for ways to make up for it, with synchronized activities to create a sense of togetherness.
This may not be a major issue for those who don’t think of birthdays as that big of a deal, but it’s another story for the ones who have been looking forward to it. On the special day where it’s supposedly all about you, you are now obligated to think of others’ well-being and set aside your wants and needs. Plans are being canceled and replaced with staying indoors and avoiding crowds to prevent the continuing spread of disease. All in all, if there is a silver lining in this cloud, it would be that this alteration in our usual way to celebrate life may actually save lives.
growing and
outgrowing
Text by Junetta Adzra
Illustration by Yeira Saddak
Humans don’t evolve at the same pace and circumstance. As a human being, we are a social species that relies on cooperation to survive and thrive. In between the surviving we do, outgrowing things, places, people and relationship are the things that will happen naturally.
As a saying goes “if you continue to grow, you’ll continue to outgrow things.” One day you will come back home from studying in school or university out of town, and your room – the one you spent your childhood in – will slowly feel strange and unfamiliar. One by one, you started to replace the old things in your bedroom with the things you need right now. Owing to that fact, if everything around you remains constant, it is a clear sign that you’re not growing.
One of the hardest things to accept is that if you continue to grow, you will outgrow some of the people close to you. The things you need to do to keep these people remain close to you are by helping them to grow with you and even shrinking yourself when you are around them. But by situationally shrinking yourself, it will stunt your own growth especially if you need to do it often. Find ways to balance this by seeking out and spending time with people who value growth. Don’t lose yourself in the process of helping others to grow. After a while, looking back to the connections, places and things you’ve lost – have you been growing, shrinking or staying the same?
i look for them;
the noise,
the scent,
the mutual excitement,
the next day,
and the next day,
and the next.
then it got boring,
and painful,
and annoying,
and very lonely.